Power in the Pause
Power in the Pause
As a huge fan of the singer/songwriter Christina Perri, I was eager to read a blog she posted on the website called The Daily Love. I think she is a brilliant bright role model. I was not disappointed. "i try not to actually send the emails i write when i’m upset – i have learned the power of pausing." -christina perri
Wow.
In the age of want it-need it now-why isn't it loading-click-click-delete-close out technology today, it enables us to be within seconds of each other at any given time. We share every thought, every idea, and every brain wave before we've even had a chance to process it ourselves.
My children's father is a chef and has always worked second shift. My husband is a firefighter and works crazy shifts. Getting either one of them on the phone is almost impossible. There are times where text is necessary in that I don't have the patience to wait until they can talk on the phone. I am okay with having a texting relationship with my ex, understandably. There isn't much we say to one another. But in my current relationship, it's a natural move for me to text even the most intimate personal things therefore giving them no real personal affect. They become just words. Sometimes misspelled. Sometimes sent twice. Sometimes not at all. .
What was once exciting and fun (A text from a guy I like! Special text tone/ringtone as a personal celebration every time it went off) has now become dread and anxiety. What was once a convenient form of communication has now become our biggest form of miscommunication.
I love you. :)
I love you. :/
I love you?
I love you!
I luv u
Ily
Luv ya.
What is that!?!
For the most part, I know where he is and what he is doing. And while that might feed my control freak ego, when we do actually talk, we have nothing to talk about because we've already said it in short words or in my case long paragraphs to his one word answers. 24/7 access to him has desensitized me. I've put too much emphasis on how fast he texts back regardless of what he is saying. Was that period meant to be a question mark? Why didn't he use punctuation? One word answer; he must be mad. Why did he say it that way? What could he possibly be doing when he just sent 5 texts in a row and now he isn't responding to my question about this weekend? Mmkayluvubye.
I am a self-made walking anxiety attack.
We've made decisions, plans, memories, and ended our relationship and started back up again without uttering one word. I have been known to spew a few things that I can't take back and didn't even feel that way 5 minutes later anyway. But it was too late. The words were said. The damage was done. But with no infliction, no pain, no resonating tones. My thumbs move at the speed of light to get it all in there before he texts K, which is a sure sign that the fight will only resume when he texts an hour later when the rational one calms down and the grudge-holder is just waiting with both barrels smoking. We fall victim to "I didn't mean it." If you don't mean it then don't say it. Would I have said it if I didn't have my phone in my hand and just took a few minutes to think about it?
The times that we are together have become obsolete because we've either texted about everything happening and coming up or we are still recovering from an argument that happened hours/days before. For a while we were stuck in recovery mode. He'd go to work, we'd have an argument, he'd come home, we'd discuss the argument, get angry all over again then he would go back on shift, rinse, repeat.
Texting has become an invasion of trust. I have an insatiable need to know. So if I know then nothing will happen, right? No. It will happen regardless if I know about it. I need to know enough to KNOW it won't happen.
Need to know = TRUST. Security.
Too much information has negated my trust.
The moment I don't know is the moment that idle hands put up fists. I realize that I am not the only one who has 24/7 access to him thanks to Facebook, email, etc. And if it's taking him 5 minutes to text back, that's 5 minutes someone/something is getting that I am not. I have become territorial and needy. We have become overbearing and unattractive to one another.
And we have not been fair to ourselves or each other. Unfiltered...unnecessary. We need to give ourselves permission to step back from an issue, evaluate it, and approach it like adults. We deserve that. And we should want to treat each other how we would like to be treated. I am a firm believer that you reap what you sow. And the acid that drips when we have reacted in anger has inflicted long-lasting damage that we need to commit to repair.
Reading over this makes us seem immature. I am sure there are plenty of people that can maintain a good balance of communication with talking, texting and email. I am clearly not one of them.
I recognize that this miscommunication has brought out a lot of insecurities. Ones that I can't fix by picking up the phone and texting him. But ones that I can fix by finding power in the pause.
My attempt of not texting every 5 minutes, of not showing/emitting every emotion/feeling/thought/fleeting notion, and getting a grip on the process of fighting fairly and finding forgiveness in how we've acted starts today.
Even in the few short hours I've been awake, I have gone to text him quite a few times. But instead I find myself anticipating a phone call. Possibly having a great conversation on a date. And I'm definitely looking forward to not talking to him all day, every day and regaining some much needed respect and space.
Power in the Pause. Even if that pause is hours or days long. I think it will be worth it. I am worth it. We are worth it.